:)))))) what have I done to deserve a turnout like this 😘
I got off a plane yesterday morning feeling yuck and sad about some things but then I got to see all my beautiful friends to celebrate Jacky’s birthday and everything was okay. But seriously how attractive are these pals?
Getting up early to finish job application vs staying in bed to rub one out
lick the sorrow from your skin.
Scratch the terror and begin
to believe you’re strong.
All you ever want to do is drink and watch TV,
and frankly that thing doesn’t really interest me.
I swear I’m going to bite you hard and taste your tinny blood
if you don’t stop the self-defeating lies you’ve been repeating
since the day you brought me home.
I know you’re strong.
the last two weeks
take offs and landings / the night market, smells and sounds / can you keep a secret? / overheard conversations on the subway / creep up the apartment stairs / burgers by the water / bus at 2:30am, sleeping on the cold hard ground / noise / sunshine, adventures / first look at old friends / blistered feet / “summer of infinite thirst” / warehouse shows / lost in a museum world / be quiet, still, remembering / kissing in a flower shop / walking the dog at 1am / waking light and goodbyes / pool with strangers / watching your favourite artist and feeling like your heart could burst / old love, no more love / “will you marry me so I can stay here?” / falling asleep on the river / wandering the streets alone, content / ceci n’est pas une pipe / feet dangling off the lake’s edge, running through rain, holding hands, tight chest, kissing, fucking in a foreign bed, “see you again” / 2am alone / remembering elliott smith, “I’m never gonna know you now but I’m gonna love you anyhow” / disneyland feels fucking weird without you there / goodnight hollywood boulevard / take offs and landings
We ate pizza and then sat by the river with a backpack full of beers and then ran through the rain holding hands and he dried me off with a towel and we watched a documentary about deer before he kissed me like he had known me for more than a few hours, and then everything else happened and it was everything and nothing, to have foreign hands on me and in me, hot breath I didn’t recognise down my neck and chest. I had to leave to catch an early flight and I said bye and he said bye and he kissed me in the doorway and I caught an uber back to my hostel and it was 2am and suddenly I felt completely alone. He texted to make sure I got home alright and I apologised for the pain and he said it was fun and we would see each other again one day, and then the next day was peppered with a few words here and there before it faded into nothing again, and I’m so used to sex meaning something that when it means nothing but a magic hour in a strange bed in a city I don’t know with a handsome boy I might never see again, it’s hard to know what to feel.
So far I have succeeded in my quest to kiss on a qt in every American city I’ve visited. I fly into LA today and have 3 days there and I am taking this as a challenge.
This resonated with me very, very strongly. I think what’s important to take away from the relationship, for me, is that we never failed. We had almost five years together in which we grew and learned and loved in the most pure and honest way. I’ll always have that to treasure. We are working towards being friends and have been talking more lately and I’m just thankful to still have him in my life, even if the nicknames are gone and the bed is wide and empty. We’ll always know what we had and the only way to move from here is on and on and on.
Pitchfork was fucking amazing. These photos don’t really do it justice at all. It was in a beautiful park in the middle of the city and there were so many ridiculous things happening. There was a stage dedicated to giving people free haircuts. There was a missed connections area, where typewriters were set up for people to write notes. There was a record fair and arts and crafts and so many vegan food options. I didn’t see a single headdress all weekend, and the dickhead factor was extremely low. I chatted with so many random people and everyone was lovely. I saw so many great performances - Beck, Sun Kil Moon, Neutral Milk Hotel, Kendrick Lamar, Real Estate (twice in two days!), motherfucking SLOWDIVE, to name a few - and just had the most blissful time. My feet are absolutely dead but it was so worthwhile. I’ll definitely look at coming back sometime for another round. Perfect festival, perfect weekend.
There’s a missed connections section at Pitchfork. I left a message for a babe who was standing behind me at Beck last night. I was too shy to talk to him then, I don’t expect to hear back from him at all but who knows.
God I love Beck so much. His music soundtracked the furthest depth of my depression last year and eased me into and out of my breakup this year. It has comforted and challenged me almost daily, and to see it come to life in front of me tonight meant more than I can even try to explain.