Happy International Women’s Day, everyone! (or belated Women’s Day, depending on the time zone)
In the last two days I have been offered two second round interviews for jobs at major entertainment companies in Sydney. Having them within reach like that made me realise without a doubt that despite how great they’d be in terms of professional opportunities, my happiness lies in Melbourne right now. I’ve made huge leaps in terms of taking care of my mental and physical health in the last 6 months here, and I need to continue that progress. My happiness and health is the most important thing to me at this time. More important than some words on a piece of paper that apparently tells people what I’m worth. Jobs will come, more opportunities will come. I need to harness the positivity I have towards making myself a happier and healthier person independent of work, and run with it.
I turned both down and I feel like I’m making mature decisions and thinking of what I really need for the first time in my life. I’m proud of myself.
Trying on different ~profesh~ outfits and I feel like such a fraud. Inside that handbag is my army jacket and Docs so that when I finish this interview tomorrow morning I can change back into my actual self.
Well, it took five months and I had almost given up, but Rookie emailed me today saying that they’d love to work with me on editing my vaginismus piece for publication in one of their upcoming issues.
I also got two calls about job interviews today, after staying up past 1am last night madly applying.
I haven’t stopped smiling. I’m so excited and proud.
Last night we had an emoji themed party. Obviously I went as the river of tears one. Since I am forever weeping I didn’t really need a costume, but my boy pal helped me paint my face to make it clear. It was a fun time.
In 21 days I will be unemployed for the first time in two years. Part of me is very scared and part of me is very excited. A lot of people have asked me what I’m going to do, and to be honest, I don’t quite know. I’ve been applying for jobs that interest me and have had a couple of interviews, but if I don’t fall back into full time employment straight away I won’t be devastated. Over the last two years I’ve been so caught up in work that I haven’t made time for my hobbies, or to do much of anything that I love.
I was thinking about how I’ll use my time when I no longer have to go to work every day, and I thought I would write some of my plans down so I can be kept accountable. I’m a procrastinator, always have been, but I feel that this should be the year I turn everything around because I’m so sick of being so sick of my own laziness.
I am going to:
- Find an outlet to publish my vaginismus article
- Make a couple more zines that I’ve been planning for months
- Continue to learn the guitar
- Play the cello more and maybe find some local groups to join or people to collaborate with
- Exercise more
- Maybe take some short courses in things I’m interested in but don’t have skills in (eg photography)
- Read more - I used to read a lot but I haven’t read a full book in over 6 months
- Return to freelance writing, whether it’s music related or miscellaneous stuff - I haven’t been published anywhere but my work websites for over two years
- Brainstorm ideas for blogs and maybe start one again
I’ve been very caught up in my own negativity lately. It’s incredibly easy to fall into that trap but increasingly I’m finding it futile and counterproductive. On Monday I saw my new psychologist for the first time and he said that I seemed overwhelmingly self critical. Of course it’s normal to have some doubts, but mine has been debilitating, especially of late. I need to change it, and I will.
I saw Jimmy Eat World last night and I was struck, not for the first time, by two lines in their song ‘Futures’:
"What matters is what hasn’t been
Believe your voice can mean something”
I haven’t believed that for a long time, but I think I do now.
I just saw something that reminded me of one of my former best friends, and then I tried to remember the nickname we gave his ex-girlfriend (not a mean one, just a “code name” of sorts) and I couldn’t for the life of me think of what it was, and it made my heart ache a little that he’s not only just a memory now, but a very blurred and unclear one.